You my dear are 'Dumb bruv'

I usually do not enlist in street slang or colloquialisms because I am a self confessed grammar nazi...HOWEVER...I have heard a phrase boldly declared on the streets of south london that entirely encapsulates everything that I was trying to express to a dear friend of mine regarding a certain member of the male species.

The phrase in question was...'he is dumb bruv'

So simple yet so effective.

Following this discussion with my dear friend, we decided that once ANY man [irrespective of his looks or riches] forced our hand into resorting to the use of such language, then they had reached the point of no return. A few people have reached this point in my estimations, but most recently was Lance. If I am honest with myself, he is actually dangling on the precipice and is potentially capable of redemption but only if there is a whole lot of grovelling and shoes and a city break.

At first I was sympathetic towards him because I was generally aware of the reasons why he chose to misbehave so often. Then, I realised that 'having issues' does not give people an automatic licence to act like twats. I can say this with confidence because I have a rather large dossier of issues and yet, I have kept them rather well concealed. I made excuses for him, then I forgave him but then he went that one step further. I feel like we are yet to have another emotion laden conversation and whenever that does happen, he MAY be saved buuut something tells me that he will have to be officially declared as 'dumb bruv'

I will keep you posted.

Miss Offish

He's just not that into you...

Ok soooo I've recently been observing certain relationships [both on air and off] and I really find that a lot of men in relationships actually do not like, let alone respect their girlfriends.

1) At the TOP of this list is Matt Barnes and Gloria from Basketball Wives LA. More power to her for finally separating from the dude but did anyone else see the scene where she asks if for money and he agrees on the proviso that she gives him 'sex on tap' like some sort of common wench?? AND then like a fool, she SHOOK HIS HAND ON NATIONAL T.V. in acceptance. Really?? That my dears is a man who is just not that into her.

2) Next is Jim Jones and Chrissy from Love and Hip Hop. I honestly have no bloody clue how that woman is still doing it buuut there is no way that I am going to circumvent history and the traditions of our forefathers, go down on my knees and present a man with a ring only for him to respond with.."I'm with you"...and then LOSE my ring. Not blooming likely mate. He is just not that into her.

3) The next couple are people I actually know. I will call him Klaus and her Helga. Now a couple of years back, I was...romantically involved with Klaus. There was NO relationship but there was some..mild..necking and petting, meanwhile unbeknownst to me [at first] he was defo also seeing Helga. They are now in a 'committed relationship' but we have recently been in contact again and he invited me down to her surprise birthday party this weekend. Correct me if I am wrong but that social circle should consist of friends and family of the celebrant...I am not certain where you would place 'the woman who I once kinda cheated on you with' would actually fit in. Of course, I opted out of that invitation but you have to wonder if he respects her at all right?....

4) Couple no. 4 are two people who I know well. I shan't say too much on this one because after all this is the world wide web but all I know is that he is oft very...inappropriate..in the way he has related to me/referred to other women, slap bang in her presence. I am not one to judge but I can say with almost 100% certainty that he is just not that into her. He is into the TYPE of woman she is but she needs to watch out for his secretary, his postwoman...his cat...anything with a p*ssy. 

That's all for now folks but honestly, if he treats you like he doesn't respect you, then he probably doesn't. I've been through it and now I simply opt out at any sign of rubbish.

They don't call me Miss Stand Offish for no reason.

When one becomes two...

Recently I had an epiphany and I decided that once I started to feel the desire to procreate, I would marry the closest male type creature to me at the time, have one daughter and then just stop so that if the situation should arise, I would be able to provide for myself and my child without too much financial difficulty. I tried to share this with a friend of mine and then ALL OF A SUDDEN it's all 'you should talk to someone about your daddy issues'....

I resent that.

So what if I think that all men will eventually cheat? That's not unhealthy, it's practical. I honestly think that the reason women get so shattered over unfaithfulness is because they think their partners are saints who find the breasts of all other women barring them utterly repulsive. So the day they walk in on Tom, Dick or  Harry getting it on with the nanny, maid or neighbour, they break down in tears and wail like a mourning widow. If on the other hand, they were expecting it, the scenario would be a tad different. I like to think that if I ever discovered any infidelity, I would simply pack a bag, take my child and the details of my offshore bank account and relocate.

Don't get me wrong, I don't WANT to end up in a faithless relationship and when people are happy in long term relationships [cynical though I may be] it does make me smile. I just know that love tinted spectacles are opaque in nature so I would like to see more people with eyes wide open. The Spice Girls sang about when 'two become one' but no one ever thought about when 'one becomes two' again. I think about it all the time and if it ever happens, I'll be prepared. 

That's all I'm saying...

Miss Stand Offish

Mind over matter...?

It is no secret that when looking for a man, women look for certain qualities such as ambition, a good character, humour AND good looks. Yes I said it...good looks. It may seem fickle and even somewhat presumptuous considering that the closest my body has been to a 6 pack is when I am in the alcohol aisle at Tesco BUT that doesn't stop the pure fact that one has to find their partner physically attractive. So riddle me this...what is one supposed to do when they find a good man with every relevant characteristic barring the glowing physical attributes???

I have always known what I find sexually attractive in a man. The common 'tall, dark and handsome' phrase comes to mind but I am usually not too fussy. At 5"3, most men fulfil the height quota and my perception of handsome has been known to range from Taye Diggs right up to Average Joe. I don't mind a soft belly here or a chipped tooth here but I have never found myself in a situation where I have to be extremely liberal in order to say something positive about a potential interest's features...up until now that is. 

The man in question, I have dubbed Damon after the super sexy character from the popular T.V. series, The Vampire Diaries. I chose the name Damon because he too chooses to put up the 'mean guy' facade when in my humble opinion, he is a big softy on the inside but alas that is where the similarity ends. Now Damon is truly a lovely man; generous, considerate, affectionate, often bloody argumentative but who wants an entirely docile man anyway?? However, he does not quite fit my usual physical bill. I have slapped myself internally multiple times for even thinking such thoughts but after spending a weekend with Damon and realising just how lovely he is, I know I have some serious considerations before things go any further.

I have never thought of myself as being so fickle in nature. In fact, I usually never even go for the stereotypically 'good looking' guy but neither do I go to the other end of the spectrum. So, I am facing a rather difficult dilemma...do I go for mind over matter and cherish the fact that we have rather tantalising cerebral coitus? or do I give in to the devil on my shoulder and place him firmly in the 'just friends' box?? Maybe if I stick to him, it will be like the frog prince and my kiss will be enough to transform him into a prince [or at the very least, a clean shaven and well dressed man] ...or maybe my lips will just get covered in frog slime...

Vintage we love!!

Offish recently had the pleasure of meeting the new kid on the vintage block. She goes by the name of 'Vintage Damsel' but this damsel is most definitely not in distress.

Founded in 2010 by the owner who goes by the Alias 'Anna Damsel', the store boasts of bespoke, vintage goodies we know you'll want to get your hands on. The feel of the website is easy to navigate and super cute...what's more cute however, are the prices. Right up our alley...no matter what our bank accounts say...

Knit wears, dresses and blazers galore, we're lovin' the new vintage damsel online store!!

check it out here

Celebhairties...

Hello world!

Now before I start I hope you all know that this is not the ‘bitch’ section of Offish, I like to think of it as social enlightenment. Think of me more as truth-sayer than a celebrity hater.

Today’s hot topic is Celebhairties – yes celebrities with questionable hairstyles. No it isn’t big, it isn’t clever and it isn’t a topic that is likely to get me nominated for a MENSA membership but dangit it really grinds my gears. I was satisfying my ‘urban music YouTube browsing’ itch when I came across the surprisingly catchy new song by the interestingly named Wiz Khalifa (which sounds to me like a cross between a juvenile explanation for urine and an eccentric spoken word artist-but I digress).

 There I was minding my business nodding my head nonchalantly when before my very eyes, the afro version of Rogue from the X-men in male rapping form appeared looking pointedly at the camera and making strange pointing gestures at the object of his affections. After the initial shock I started to ask myself when and how did such blatant buffoonery become an acceptable part of popular culture and style? (Chris Brown’s blonde shenanigans spring to mind here). As I shook my head in revulsion, the MTV universe not content with one bad-hair celebrity proceeded to slap my other cheek with an even bigger offender. Cassie revealed herself as said ‘love-interest’ in the video. Famed for that ONE song THAT ‘leaked’ picture and of course the proverbial side-head shave which has become synonymous with statement-making black women from New York to New-Benin market, there she was in all of her hot-pant clad, Timberland boot-wearing glory. 


Now everybody is entitled to do with their hair what they wish, however, I also reserve the right to think that it looks foolish, especially when you have been blessed with good hair genes that gives your ACTUAL hair the shine, volume and length that women all over the world have been harassing unsuspecting Brazilians for since Beyonce made Crazy in Love. Get back to singing Cassie and do try and grow your hair back otherwise I’ll shave a Nike tick into it.

Interestingly this very same Wiz character is currently dating Kanye West’s ex girlfriend Amber Rose...I’d love to be a fly on the wall in that house...I wonder if they share the same hair dye....?